My now-adult son does not know the extent of the abuse in my marriage because I hid it. Regardless, he is three times more likely to become an abuser himself simply because he grew up in an abusive home.
Sadly, I have heard him berate and insult his lovely wife multiple times. I have made gentle corrections to him following his comments. The last time was at a holiday family gathering. I immediately stated that I spent years planning on leaving his father because of similar treatments, and that I knew he could be a better man and husband. I stated that his wife deserves to be treated with kindness and respect always. Will I be out of step to have a private conversation with my cherished daughter-in-law and then my son?
Please, help me to respectfully parent my adult son. Dear Momma: Your instincts are absolutely correct. Furthermore, your guidance can help steer your son from dangerous learned and observed behavior, as well as protecting your daughter-in-law. As you well know, having someone outside of the marriage who can offer support, protection and resources will immeasurably help your daughter-in-law. It can also help your son to find a pathway to getting help for himself.
You can also search for domestic violence intervention programs in your area. However, your desire to offer your wisdom is invaluable. Please, have the conversations that feel safe for you and also talk with a counselor or trusted friend about the emotions this brings up for you. Dear Eric: I am the aunt to two amazing young people. I have always been a big part of their lives, especially when my brother and their mom divorced.
When each of them was born, I opened a savings account in their names and have been steadily adding money in every month. Five years ago, my brother married a lovely woman with two kids of her own, who we have welcomed wholeheartedly into our family. My nephew is 17 and is applying to colleges and my year-old niece will be doing the same next year. When I mentioned giving my nephew the money for college to my brother and sister-in-law, she said she thinks the money should be divided equally among the four kids.
