By Betsy Ladyzhets on Mar 29, 1 Comments. This post is a satirical explanation of that culture, as understood by a second-semester sophomore who is on the asexual spectrum, just got out of a serious long-distance relationship, and has yet to hook up with anyone at Columbia. Barney Stinson once said that a relationship is like a freeway ; once you get on, there are designated exits at carefully predetermined periodic intervals. Here, I present the seven exits of the Columbia hookup highway.
One night: You meet someone at a party, or match with them on Tinder, or have a moment of intensely romantic eye contact across Ferris during peak dinner hour the first two options are much more likely.
You engage in some kind of sexual intercourse definitions depend on the person. You extricate yourself immediately afterwards and grab some halal, then casually start walking faster whenever you see them on campus.
You never text each other again, then purposefully sit on opposite sides of the room when you unavoidably end up in a seminar together senior year. One semester: You decide to stick it out and commit. The other person is attractive, smart, good in bed, able to get into the best EC parties, and has an aunt working at a powerful company in your industry of choice β in other words, everything you want out of a relationship. After a couple of months, though, you realize that there are plenty of other attractive, smart, etc.
The breakup is mutual, and followed by a complex series of plans to ensure that you are never in the same city block as your ex ever again. Two years: You really think this is The One β the One you can stand to share a twin bed with every weekend night because you hate your roommate just that much , that is. You seriously consider transferring.
